Message:
Living with phobias, living in fear, seems like people are in fear of everything, including being in fear of being in fear. This nine part comedy drama examines some of the phobias associated with church. All segments are self-standing and can be used in any order
Bible Reference: Cast:
2 Timothy 1:7
very adaptable, can use one person for all segments or a different person in each. Uses a male and a female off-stage narrator, (which could also be on-stage actors)
Set, lighting, sound, costume:
normal
Time:
varies
Note:
Most phobias listed in this script were obtained from The Phobia List at: http://www.phobialist.com/
Script: SET 1 Calliphobia: 1 comes on stage, nervous, speaks hesitatingly 1:
Good evening, my name is 1, and I, (wipes tear from eyes), am a Phobite.
many off-stage voices: Hey 1! How are you 1? Good havin’ you here tonight 1! Welcome, welcome. Etc. Voice M:
Tell us a bit about yourself 1, and what’s your phobia.
Voice F:
Yah, whatcha all about?
1:
Well, this isn’t easy to talk about but . . .
Voice M:
We know it ain’t boy, but see that’s what Phobites Anonymous is all about. So just take it easy, know you’re among friends here, all of us have phobias.
1:
Well, that does make it easier alright. Well, over the years I have had many phobias. Started out when I was a kid, first starting to talk, I developed verbophobia.
Voice F:
Poor kid! Fear of words is a tragedy is what!
1:
I know. Seeing a word or hearing a word made me break out in hives!
Voice M:
I gotta tell you I once suffered from hiveaphobia. That’s what first brought me to PA.
1:
PA?
Voice M:
Phobites Anonymous.
1:
Oh right. Anyhow, eventually I got over that. Next it was sophophobia.
Voice F:
Fear of learning is a toughie to overcome.
1:
To this day I don’t know how I finally conquered that one.
Voice M:
Did you have friends to help you boy?
1:
No one close around me, but this one friend used to call me on the phone every night.
Voice F:
Don’t come near me talking about phones!
Voice M:
I did not know you had phonophobia!
Voice F:
Has been my Achilles heel for years, lately it has developed into cellphonophobia.
1:
I started to go to church and that helped some.
Voice M:
Me, I can’t go to church. Ecclesiophobia.
Voice F:
You have fear of churches? Wow! Me, I got Homilophobia, fear of sermons.
1:
But now I am really spooked! I am afraid I just might have . . . . . (drum roll) . . calliphobia!
Voice F, gasps: No way! It can not be, I mean this is awful, I mean to have calliphobia, why that simply means . . . (pause) what does that mean? Voice M:
Calliphobia. Fear of the full time call of God. A bad one for sure.
Voice F:
Is there any known cure?
1, holds up Bible: Somebody gave me this book, haven’t tried it yet. Think I will give it a shot, I mean, what do I have to lose? Voice F:
All I can say, good thing you don’t have printophobia like me.
Voice M:
But way I see it you got panophobia.
Voice F:
Say it isn’t so! Panophobia, the fear of . . . everything!
1:
Somehow I just gotta overcome my callaphobia, I mean why do I fear the full time call of God? Look, I am gonna go now, gonna read this here book, if I find out anything I will report back next meeting.
Voice F:
You do that 1. And just you remember, we are all here for you. You have any trouble why you get a hold of us right off. Except not on phone. And don’t drive over, my vehiculaphobia is driving me wild right now, but you just . . . (voice drowns out)
SET 2 Shareaphobia 2 comes on stage, nervous, speaks 2:
Good evening. My name is 2, and I am a Phobite.
many off-stage voices: Hey 2! How are you 2? Good havin’ you here tonight 2! Welcome, welcome. Etc. Voice M:
Tell us a bit about yourself 2, and what’s your phobia.
Voice F:
Yah, whatcha all about?
2:
Look, maybe this wasn’t such a great idea, me coming here and all, I mean, I am not like the rest of you guys, I mean, my phobias are normal, all under control, I mean I can quit with my phobias any time I want to, just like that . . .
Voice M:
Look kid, I wish I had a penny for every time I hear a guy stand right there, say what you just said. Fact is you are out of control and you need help bad kid. You can not make it on your own, that’s what Phobites Anonymous is all about. So just take it easy, settle down kid, know we all been there, all of us have phobias. We are simply doing something about it. And you can too.
2, wiping a tear: Do you really think there is hope for me? Voice F:
Look kid, you work with us on your phobia, follow the twelve step program to health, soon you will be lickin’ lions!
Voice M:
Tell us your story kid.
2:
OK, OK, see it all started out innocent enough, me, a young kid, looking for the meaning of life.
Voice F:
Reasonophobia took the wind out of my sails some years back I am gonna tell you.
Voice M:
Hush, let the kid say his piece.
2:
I met this lady, she was kind, open, warm. She got to talking about Jesus, how he died to save me from my sins. I ended up giving my life to him.
Voice M:
None of that sounds like a bad thing.
Voice F:
My thought exactly. No reason to develop pleasaphobia, fear of happy experiences.
2:
No, that wasn’t the problem. I was incredibly happy, things were going awesome, I was walking with the Lord and loving every minute.
Voice F:
So what’s the catch?
2:
Well, all the guys from church they were planning on going out on what they call outreach. Some going to visit the prison, some a homeless shelter, others going to the street mission. And they invited me to go along. That’s when the panic hit me!
Voice M:
Shareaphobia!
2:
Nooooooooo! You mean. . I got it? You sure?
Voice M:
Look, we can run some tests, do some probing but, my guess, and fact is, it is way more than a guess, you got classic shareaphobia, sure as shootin’!
2:
Somebody tell me why I couldn’t of had any of the acceptable phobias, somniphobia maybe.
Voice F:
Not everybody’s gonna have fear of sleeping I tell ya.
2:
Or politicophobia.
Voice M:
Politicophobia is way normal, every sane person has fear of politicians.
2:
So you are sure it is shareaphobia? You tellin’ me I have fear of witnessing?
Voice M:
All signs point straight to it kid.
2:
Man! Is there any . . I mean . . . can a fella ever get free from shareaphobia?
Voice F:
Some studies I saw show how in certain cases it can be reversed.
2:
Like how?
Voice F:
Apparently the Alpha program shows great promise.
Voice M:
Along with copious amounts of prayer.
2:
So, what you are saying is . . there is hope. . . for me.
Voice M:
Ya kid, listen, you are gonna be OK. OK, you hear me?
2:
my name is 2, and I am a recovering Phobite.
2 walks off stage, emotional Voice M:
All I am gonna say, it makes it all worthwhile when you see a guy make it back!
SET 3 Flopaphobia 3 comes on stage, nervous, speaks 3:
Good evening. My name is 3, and I am a Phobite.
many off-stage voices: Hey 3! How are you 3? Good havin’ you here tonight 3! Welcome, welcome. Etc. Voice M:
Tell us a bit about yourself 3, and what’s your phobia.
Voice F:
Yah, whatcha all about?
3:
Listen, guys, would you mind, turning down those lights just a little.
Voice F:
Just what we need! One more with glareaphobia!
3:
I can’t help it, OK, the fear of glaring lights is just way more than I can take, seems like.
Voice M:
Tried rose petals in your tea kid? Friend ‘a mine, works for him seems like.
3:
Look! I have tried it all, OK? Every quack from Maine to Frisco! Guess what? Zero results is what!
Voice M:
Look kid, I didn’t mean to push you so hard, just seems like you are such a A1 kid, just breaks my heart, see you like this and . . . (sound of him blowing his nose loudly)
3:
Hey, it’s OK, it’s fine, my fault as much as yours is what.
Voice F:
Let’s hear it all kid, from the top. No interruptions from us.
3:
All started back before I was born. My dad, he developed this xenaphobia.
Voice F, sultry voice: Easy ta see yer pop couldn’t’a been within a block of yer’s truly then! Voice M:
What does that mean?
Voice F:
The kid’s pop had this fear of . . . gorgeous wimmen! Ahhh haaa!
3:
No, not venustraphobia, I said xenophobia, the fear of strangers.
Voice F:
In which case sonny, I do not qualify!
3:
My dad couldn’t stand to have strangers around, always wanted to be with friends.
Voice M:
I can see where this would traumatize you.
3:
I grew up trying to make everything perfect for my dad.
Voice M:
Kakorrhaphiophobia!
3:
Kakorrhaphiophobia, exactly!
Voice F:
Enlighten me.
Voice M:
The fear of failing.
Voice F:
In my world we refer to that as flopaphobia.
3:
No matter what you call it, fact is it eats your very heart out. Can’t take one step in case you might mess up.
Voice F:
Flop!
Voice M:
Goes without saying you have looked for a cure?
3:
Haven’t left one stone unturned in my search.
Voice F:
You expected to find answers to flopaphobia under rocks? More likely to encounter helminthophobia, way I look at it.
Voice M:
I have known fear of worms myself, truth be told.
3:
Surely somewhere someone has an answer to my fear of failure.
Voice M:
I have an idea.
3:
Anything. Anything! I am willing to try anything!
Voice M:
You and me we are gonna go to church come Sunday, gonna hear some good news!
Voice F:
Count me out then, I have euphobia.
Voice M:
Vitamins maybe can help you overcome the fear of good news, so I heard.
3:
Well I for one can’t wait to hear the message on Sunday then! Can I pick you up around 6:30?
Voice M:
Seems to me we can grab a good seat at church without getting there that early. But we can always pick up a Donut Delight on our way.
Voice F:
Luckily I have overcome my junkaphobia.
all off stage
SET 4 Folksaphobia.
4 comes on stage, nervous, looks around the “crowd” carefully, searching, speaks 4:
Guess they aren’t here. OK, here I go. . . . Good evening. My name is 4, and I am a Phobite.
many off-stage voices: Hey 4! How are you 4? Good havin’ you here tonight 4! Welcome, welcome. Etc. Voice M:
Tell us a bit about yourself 4, and what’s your phobia.
Voice F:
Yah, whatcha all about?
4 again looks all over the crowd, great concern Voice F:
What’s going on here 4, what you lookin’ for?
Voice M:
Looks to me like you are scared of finding whatever it is you are looking for. See here, gal, we are all friends here, all of us are Phobites, nothing to be afraid of.
4:
It is not you guys I am afraid of.
Voice F:
Well, not sure how to break this to you, but us guys are all that’s here.
4:
No, but you don’t understand, I have this . . . phobia.
Voice F:
Well, fact is, there’s a lot of that going around here at Phobites Anonymous.
4:
No, you are missing my point, see I have the mother of all phobias.
Voice M:
Hey listen, all of us feel we are unique in our phobias but . . . .
4, louder:
Listen to me! I have the mother and the father of phobias!
Voice M:
Hey listen, I am as supportive as the next guy but no reason for you to go on about your phobia is bigger and more severe than the next guy’s, I mean . . . .
4, screams:
I have folksaphobia! There! OK! I said it! Are you happy now?
Voice M:
So you have folsaph . . . . (loud, incredulous) You have . . . folksaphobia? No way! You poor child! Have to say, only ever run into one other case of folksaphobia! Not a pretty sight is what!
Voice F:
Phronemophobia? The fear of thinking is severe, but certainly not all that overwhelming.
Voice M:
Not phronemophobia, folksaphobia.
Voice F:
Fine, folksaph . . . (shock) you mean . . . like, folksaphobia? Fear of . . . . . . . parents?
4:
OK, so now the whole world knows my awful secret. I, 4, suffer from the most detestable affliction of all, a fear of my parents!
Voice F:
Hey, whoa, listen, time out here! The most detestable affliction of all? I don’t think so Tim! I mean there is . . . well, no, maybe that’s not worse, but there is . . . . OK, well nothing is worse than . . . maybe you’ve got a point there gal, perhaps that is the most detestable affliction known to man.
Voice M:
Way to go! That should build up her self-esteem! Anyhow, fact is your situation can be overcome. I know this guy, he can help so if you just . . . . .
lights off
SET 5 Meaphobia – fear of self 5 comes on stage, nervous, looks up, down, to the sides, speaks 5:
Well, I don’t see any out here anyhow. . . . Good evening. My name is 5, and I am a Phobite.
many off-stage voices: Hey 5! How are you 5? Good havin’ you here tonight 5! Welcome, welcome. Etc. Voice M:
Tell us a bit about yourself 5, and what’s your phobia.
Voice F:
Yah, whatcha all about?
5 again looks all over the crowd, great concern 5:
You have no idea what I have gone through! This place is a disaster!
Voice M:
A disaster? You mean this place, this building, the House of Fears?
5:
You have no idea what I just saw in the bathroom!
Voice F:
Uhhhhhhh, do I really want to know, . . . .. and bear in mind this is a mixed family audience.
5:
Mirrors! Mirrors on the walls, that’s what! Now just what kind of a bathroom is that!
Voice F:
My best guess would be that is a . . normal bathroom.
Voice M:
Not a lot of mirror-less bathrooms in my experience.
5:
Oh sure, and what happens when you go into a bathroom and there are mirrors on the walls?
Voice F:
Ummm, you, like, see your reflection.
5:
Exactly! And it is pretty obvious what that does to us who are EPMP!
Voice F:
EPMP?
5:
Exactly. Eremophobic Meophobic.
Voice F:
Illuminate me, meophobic would be . . .?
Voice M:
Fear of self.
5:
Exactly! And that’s why having mirrors at Phobites Anonymous is such an unbelievably cruel thing to do!
Voice M:
I can see your point 5 but makes it rough on us organizers, knowing where to draw the line. We have already had to turn off the water in the bathroom for those who suffer from hydrophobia and ablutophobia.
Voice F:
Fear of water and fear of washing isn’t just a wash, I gotta tell ya!
5:
I sense you are laughing at my situation.
Voice F:
We would never do that. One of our members suffers from fear of laughing.
Voice M:
Like I always say, geliophobia is no laughing matter. No pun intended.
5:
It’s not easy you know. I have never felt that I looked, well, right. I mean, I am very average.
Voice M:
Well, when you think about it, average isn’t all bad is it? I mean, average isn’t the top of the top, but then it’s not the bottom of the bottom either. We have to remember that . . .
5:
What did you just say?
Voice M:
Me, I just said that we have to remember . .
5:
No, before that.
Voice M:
I was just saying that average is, well, average.
5:
I never thought about it that way.
Voice F:
Personally I think you are quite attractive. And you should be. I mean, God created you in his own image.
5:
He did?
Voice F:
Yes he did.
5:
How come I never thought about that?
Voice M:
Phronemophobiac by any chance?
5:
I am not, let me repeat, am not, afraid of learning!
Voice F:
Good, in that case you learned something here today.
lights down
SET 6 Doaphobia - fear of responsibility 6 comes on stage, nervous, speaks 6:
Look, I am just here to be here, OK. . . Oh, sorry. Good evening. My name is 6, and I am a Phobite.
many off-stage voices: Hey 6! How are you 6? Good havin’ you here tonight 6! Welcome, welcome. Etc. Voice M:
Tell us a bit about yourself 6, and what’s your phobia.
Voice F:
Yah, whatcha all about?
6 again looks all over the crowd, great concern 6:
Hey, listen, I am one busy person, on the go, in the know.
Voice M:
You a stillaphobiac?
6, annoyed:
No! I am not afraid of being still!
Voice F:
Well then, its all up to you, tell us about your phobia.
6:
Hey, hey, hey! And just exactly what makes you think it should be all up to me, I ask you? Maybe, just maybe I don’t want it to be all up to me, ever think of that?
Voice M:
My, my, you do have unresolved anger! Angrophobia, cholerophobia maybe?
6:
Look, I am not afraid of anger, OK? Where are you coming from, trying to psychoanalyze me all the time? For your information I refuse to be responsible for all this stuff that is going around!
Voice M:
I get it. Doaphobia.
6:
I prefer to relate to my condition as paralipophobia, or hypengyophobia, if you prefer. Don’t make me responsible to chose one or the other though.
Voice F:
Why do you avoid responsibility 6?
6:
Responsibility can set you up for a fall, know what I mean? You put your neck on the line, someone is sure to come along and chop it off.
Voice M:
I gotta say, you shock me a bit 6. I mean, I know you, I have watched you work. You have amazing God-given abilities and talents. I can’t understand why you are afraid of responsibility.
6:
Look here, we are all different, OK? What about you, I have every expectation that your semi-automatic comprehension of inter-related inhibitions will be onerous as well.
Voice M:
Touché, 6, yes I am a sesquipedalophiac, I do fear long words. That and pentheraphobia, fear of mothers-in-law.
6:
Are you sure that my talents are God-given?
Voice M:
Bible says every good and perfect gift is from God.
6:
Then I have a question.
Voice F:
Fire away. Second thought don’t. I have arsonphobia.
Voice M:
I thought that was pyrophobia.
Voice F:
Can go either way.
6:
My question is, if my gifts are God-given, and if all good and perfect gifts are from God, then why for am I afraid of responsibility? I mean, like, its kinda, not my responsibility. Get it?
Voice F:
Loud and clear.
6:
Then as of this moment I am making it my responsibility not to be responsible for fear of being responsibility.
Voice M:
You are giving me the beginnings of unclearaphobia.
6:
Perhaps we can work together on that.
Voice M:
OK, well, as I remember, it all started back when I was a little child, as a family we all used to . . (voice trails off)
lights off
SET 7 – Disaphobia – fear of rejection 7 comes on stage, nervous, speaks 7:
Look, I’m not sure you are going to want to hear from me, I mean, I really likely don’t have that much to say. I’m sure there are lots of others who could . . .
Voice F:
What’s this? Of course we want to hear from you! Everyone here has something important to say. Now go ahead, we are all listening.
7:
Yeh, and likely all you guys are gonna do is reject all I have to say anyhow.
Voice F:
What gives here? Nobody reject anybody here at PA.
7:
PA?
Voice F:
Yeh, PA. Phobites Anonymous.
7:
Yeh, right! Like how many times has someone said that and then just went right ahead and snubbed me?
Voice F:
No idea. How many times has it happened?
7:
Well it could. Easy could.
Voice M:
Wow! Not in a long time have I heard such a strong case of DP!
Voice F:
DP?
Voice M:
Dissaphobia.
Voice F:
No way! Closest I have come to dissaphobia is to read about it! And here we have a case of it right here at the House of Fears! Tell us more please, step right up and tell all the guys here in PA about your condition.
7:
Oh sure I will, sure I will! So you guys can just go right ahead and discard me.
Voice M:
Look kid, you can say your piece here, you can go on your merry old way, do whatever seems right to you. But here at Phobites Anonymous we don’t never diss no one, understand? Everyone is welcomed for what he is, no questions asked. So do your thing, whatever that might be, just don’t go sayin’ us guys are somethin’ we are not, comrehendez partner?
7:
OK. . . OK, sorry. Guess I was outta line there, I mean . . . .
Voice M:
Yes, you were, major league outta line. You are welcome here, we want to have you here, but don’t go sayin’ things about the group that are offbase, we have no time for that. I can see you have had a rough time, I feel for you on that, but we are all equal here, all have our own phobias and hang-ups. And not nobody is gonna be chewed up by no one. Now, you wanna start over, you start over. You wanna stand down, that’s always your privilege.
7:
I would like to start over again. Good evening. My name is 7, and I am a Phobite.
many off-stage voices: Hey 7! How are you 7? Good havin’ you here tonight 7! Welcome, welcome. Etc. Voice M:
Tell us a bit about yourself 7, and what it’s like to have DP.
Voice F:
Yah, whatcha all about?
7 again looks all over the crowd, great concern 7:
Growing up in Des Moines, Iowa, I developed a really pesky case of xanthophobia.
Voice F:
Fear of the color yellow can for sure paint a fella into a corner, I always say.
7:
After many years of therapy I was able to leave that behind me, start a new life Long Neck, Oklahoma, but that brought out a fear of all new things.
Voice M:
Neophobia. I remember back a few years ago, this guy used to tense up, went stiff as a board whenever he thought something new was coming along.
Voice F:
Gordy. Gordy D. that was! Arms, legs used to go way out, we couldn’t even carry him outta the room, couldn’t get him through a standard doorway. Many years have passed since then, never have forgotten Gordy D. Wonder where he is by now?
Voice M:
Had a letter from Gordy not two weeks ago. Gordy is in charge of new product search at United Textiles in Rockford, Illinois.
Voice F:
You are serious? You mean Gordy is . . .
Voice M:
Yep, Gordy is a survivor. I mean, just like all the rest of us Gordy will be a Phobite ‘til the day he dies. But Gody has his local Phobites Anonymous group in Rockford. Matter of fact he is the liaison with new members, teaching the twelve step program.
Voice F:
So awesome to see that guys can make it back, isn’t it? Sorry 7, where were we again?
7:
No problem, I am encouraged to hear the success stories, just not sure it could ever happen to me is all.
Voice F:
Listen 7, it can happen with Gordy D, it can happen with anybody!
7:
I am gonna hold on to that thought. Anyhow, like I was saying, here I was in Long Neck, Oklahoma, trying to fit in, things wasn’t going that great. I started going out with this girl, Sandrophino Slinghammerwurst, beautiful girl, family was the salt of the earth. But one day she out and told me that
she was going to marry the foreman down at the mill, Responsicile Humperdink Jones. Voice M:
Responsicile Humperdink? Strange name, kinda.
Voice F:
Can you imagine if those two got married and he took her name? Responsicile Humperdink Slinghammerwurst. Fella went to introduce him would have to start fifteen minutes early, seems like.
7:
Anyhow, I was dumped, rejected.
Voice F:
My advice to the lovelorn always is, get back up on that horse, try again.
7:
Which I did. But the same thing happened with my next three girlfriends: Symbialowontus Frescicatorine, Wendettaoh Myronicakate and Kathatampasate Relcamontos.
Voice M:
Is it just me or am I sensing a trend here?
7:
My thoughts exactly! I figured it out, everyone of those girls were flat out gorgeous. So I started going out with this very plain girl, Maridenthialia Pelathropolis. Same thing, left me standing at the altar!
Voice F:
Uhhhhh, yeh! So with rejection as your downfall I can see dissaphobia rearing it’s ugly head.
7:
Ugly. I wonder, think I should try going out with ugly girls? I met this girl, Steoponius Xerontigunof, think I should ask her out and see if . . .
Voice F:
My vote is we try to work on your dissaphobia, leave romance out of the equation for a bit.
7:
Your advice has always been great.
Voice F:
Then tuck this gem away and think about it. God doesn’t make no rejects, nor is he into rejection.
7:
He didn’t? He’s not?
Voice M:
Answers would be no and no.
7:
Then why should I be fearing rejection?
Voice M:
Beats me. Now why don’t we all sit down and have a coffee?
7:
Happen to have cappuccino? (pause) Sorry, I mean, if you don’t have that’s cool, I mean I don’t want you to kick me out or whatever, after all . .
Voice F:
Cappuccino is way cool, and we just had the foam rejection system replaced.
7:
Rejection?
Voice M:
Just a little inside Phobia Anonymous humour there, don’t let your shirt go into denial. (pause) A joke. Like ha ha. Man some of you guys are way bad up-tight!
lights off
SET 8: Croakaphobia – fear of eternity 8 comes on stage, nervous, stops,takes his pulse, feels his heart speaks 8:
Good evening. My name is 8, and I am a Phobite. . . . Excuse me, would anyone happen to have a spare CAT-SCAN machine on them?
Voice M:
Soon as I left the house I knew there was something I forgot to bring with me.
8:
Please, do not jest, this is no laughing matter
Voice F:
Guys, why don’t we all make 8 feel welcome and at home?
many off-stage voices: Hey 8! How are you 8? Good havin’ you here tonight 8! Welcome, welcome. Etc. Voice M:
Tell us a bit about yourself 8. Can’t imagine what your phobia might be. Unless of course it starts with hypo and ends with condriac.
Voice F:
Hush, now go ahead 8, tell us what you are all about.
8 again looks all over the crowd, great concern 8:
Hey, listen, it’s not that I am a hypochondriac. Fact is that I am .. .. I don’t know kinda how to say this . . . but I am worried, when I die, I mean, what will happen to me?
Voice F, supportive: Oh my! Fear of eternity. Croakaphobia.
8:
Well, if it’s all the same with you I prefer the term, “ouranophobia”.
Voice M:
A rose by any other name.
Voice F, clears throat: Ahemmmmm! Focus, focus! We are here to be supportive! Now, then, where were we? Ah, yes, addressing your fear of eternity. Tell me, 8, did you not attend Sunday School? 8:
Sure did! Summer camp, VBS, had wonderful times. Gave my heart to Jesus at camp when I was ten years old.
Voice F:
I am confused. So you gave your heart to Jesus at camp.
8:
Yes, but then I came back home. At age of ten a kid goes into the FISH program at our church.
Voice M:
You have ichthyophobia?
8, annoyed:
Noooooo! Just why would I have a fear of fish?
Voice F:
Not sure, just kind of a stab in the dark you might say . . . . . . you don’t have lygophobia do you by any chance?
8, more annoyed: NO! I do not have a fear of darkness! What gives with you anyhow? Voice F:
Topic, topic! Now 8, what about the FISH program made it wrong being there?
8:
F-I-S-H. Finding Identity, Serving Him. And it was a great program, tons of fun. But the leaders were my Uncle Rob, my cousin Edna and my sister Kate.
Voice M:
Syngenesophobia. Fear of relatives.
8:
Fine, so my secret is out! I did suffer from syngenesophobia. But I am going to tell you, Mr. Smarty Pants, I fought that debilitating disease and I . . . I conquered, thank you very much!
Voice M:
Wow! Not many can say that! I sure do respect your tenacity to battle back.
8:
Well, I did! I read everything I could get my hands on . . sad to say that papyrophobia reared it’s ugly head along the way but . . .
Voice M:
Fear of paper. Wow, you have been through the mill, haven’t you 8?
8:
Don’t go there!
Voice M:
Millophobia! Wow!
Voice F:
Am I the only one on the track here?
Voice M:
Exercise respect for those with trainophobia, please.
Voice F, becoming agitated: Like I was saying . .. Voice M:
And then there is always repeatophobia.
Voice F:
I SAIDDDDDDDDDDD! Focus! Now then, 8, did you not understand that when you committed to follow Jesus, if you were to die you would spend eternity in heaven.
8:
Yes, I fully understood that.
Voice F:
So then why would you have croakaphobia, fear of eternity?
8:
Well, I did not die as a child, so that arrangement I had with God has now run out.
Voice M:
Not sure where you came up with this idea but I have heard from very good sources that God will never leave you or forsake you.
8:
Serious?
Voice M:
Way serious.
8:
And what exactly was this reliable source?
Voice M:
Only God’s own word, the Bible.
8:
Doesn’t get much better than that.
Voice F:
We have a pastor you oughta meet.
8:
When?
Voice F:
Now actually.
8:
Doesn’t get much better than that either.
lights out SET 9: Zapaphobia – Fear of God 9 comes on stage, nervous, looking upward, searching, speaks 9:
Is he here?
Voice M:
He?
9:
Yes, he. The big guy. God.
Voice M:
You want to know is God here?
9:
Yes, I won’t come in if he is here.
Voice M:
Late breaking news for you, fact is, God is everywhere. So guess it would be a pretty safe bet he is here.
9, frightened: Then I am going back outside. Voice M:
Let’s weigh this out a bit .. what was your name?
9:
9.
Voice M:
Right, 9, seems to me to make sense that if God is everywhere, and looks like you are trying to avoid him, well, not much matter where you go, God, being everywhere, is gonna be wherever you are. Including outside.
9, very frightened: Oh no! So what am I supposed to do? Voice F:
My guess is you would enjoy life, kinda comforting to know that God is wherever you are, don’t you think?
9:
Noooooo! I mean, here is this big God, looking down, judging me, watching every move I make, every time I screw up.
Voice M:
I was trying to figure you out, think I got you pegged now. Zapaphobia, right?
9:
Yeh, yeh, that’s me all right. Fear of God.
Voice F:
Well, first thing you gotta do is come on up here, introduce yourself. I think you will find these fellas to be supportive. Come on, go say hi.
Good evening. Oh well, all right! My name is 9, and I am a Phobite. . . . And if anyone sees God would you yell out to me? many off-stage voices: Hey 9! How are you 9? Good havin’ you here tonight 9! Welcome, welcome. Etc. Voice M:
Tell us a bit about yourself 9, what’s goin’ on in your life.
9:
Hey, listen, it’s scary you know, I mean, God is big, all powerful, and then there is me. I know for a fact God is just waiting to zap me!
Voice F, supportive: Man you have zapaphobia really bad 9! Always been this way? 9:
No, used to be I never so much as gave God a thought. I mean, who is God and why should I care who he is? Then one night I saw this TV program, talked about how God throws thunder and lightning at guys when they step outta line. Like to freaked me out, gonna tell you! Ever since that day I am scared to even think of God.
Voice F:
I’d be curious to know where you came up with this kind of idea of God. Haven’t you heard that God is a God of love?
9:
Yeh, right! A God of love heaving lightning bolts around!
Voice M:
Why do you keep talking about thunder bolts and an angry God?
9:
I saw God.
Voice M:
You did? Where did you see him?
9:
TV. God and the Zapzonics cartoon show.
Voice M:
A cartoon show? And you believed all you saw in some phoney cartoon show?
9:
What else am I supposed to believe?
Voice F:
Listen, I have a Bible here, maybe you want to borrow it. Tells the true story of God.
9:
And it’s not scary, I mean God doesn’t zap people or anything?
Voice F:
Only when they really need it.
9:
I can live with that.
Voice M:
Come on then, let’s go talk this through over a mug of soda.
9:
I can live with that too.
lights out
