From The Rectory In my role as Vicar, I am often made aware of deep rifts in family relationships, some of which have lasted for years. As the old saying goes, ‘you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your relations’. But there can be deep rifts in friendships too which don’t result in complete breakdown of the relationship, but which lie beneath the surface and ensure that current relationships are never more than superficial. What do we do about them, if anything? It is often best to let things lie while the hurt is raw. If we continue to feel hurt and anger every time we think of the cause of the rift, then it is probably not yet the time to attempt reconciliation. But sometimes rifts become a habit, the original reason for them has paled into insignificance and the only thing that perpetuates the situation is pride – neither side will be the first to make the approach. How often do we look at international situations and wonder why it is that peace between warring factions never seems achievable, when to us on the outside looking in, it all seems so simple. It never is simple, of course, very few of us can ever get to grips with all the causes and history of on-going conflicts. But how many of us despair over international conflicts while living resignedly with conflicts within our own relationships? What can we do? Sometimes, nothing, because it takes desire on both sides to achieve reconciliation, and most of all, it needs a willingness to forgive. But often we let things drift rather than take the initiative in the healing process. We are not sure of the reaction we might get if we broach the subject, and perhaps don’t want to rock the boat on the current superficial relationship. Often the simplest way forward is to broach the subject and just to say ‘I’m sorry’; not ‘I’m sorry but…’ - though an explanation of ‘this is the way I saw things at the time, which is why I reacted as I did’ offered in a way which seeks only to explain and not to self-justify can help understanding on both sides. Then we need to listen to the explanation of the other’s ‘side’. The timing needs to be right though – and indeed the personalities, because we all know people who cannot say sorry or admit that they might have been wrong. It perhaps helps if we can recognise that as a weakness in them, and have compassion for it, rather than allow it to let our hackles rise once more. Taking the risk though, and trying, must surely be better than allowing ill-feeling to continue. June sees us enter the season of Trinity – the green season in church colours because it is the growing season. In church we consider the ministry and teaching of Jesus, and what that might mean for us as individuals and as a church. Growth is difficult when we carry hurt and grudges from the past. We pray regularly ‘forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us’. This Trinity season may that become a reality and not just a hope. With love and prayer Jennifer
