Message:
Based on the old “Get Smart” TV show, this comedy asks the question, “What will you carry?” Choosing between crosses and crowns.
Bible Reference:
Matthew 16:24-27
Cast:
Maxwell Smart Agent 99 (female) Chief Larabee Siegfried
Set:
none
Props:
baseball glove, paper cups and elastics
Costumes:
standard
Lighting & Sound: Time:
normal
15
Script: Max is on stage, working with something, he hurts his finger Max:
Ouch, that smarts!
Max puts on a baseball glove, Agent 99 comes on stage 99:
Did I hear you calling out to yourself Max?
Max:
To myself 99? Why would I call out to myself? None of us here at Control call out to ourselves, you should know that 99! I mean, what if KAOS was listening in on our output . .
99:
On our output Max?
Max:
Yes, 99, on our output. Siegfried is always looking for a chance to gobble up our output.
99:
Let me get this straight Max. You are saying that Siegfried, KAOS’s most feared agent is a . . . turkey?
Max, shocked: He is? I did not know that 99, I mean how did you know that Siegfried was a turkey?
99:
Max, it was you who said that Siegfried would gobble up our output and I took that to mean that he was a turkey.
Max:
99, I was talking metaphorically, I didn’t actually mean that he was a . . .
Chief rushes on stage Chief:
Max, 99, thank heavens you are here! Where’s Larabee?
99:
Larabee has picked up a part-time job packing groceries at Grubpile Supermarket, but he should be along shortly.
Chief:
What are you saying? One of our agents has taken on a part-time job? I will have you people know that being a Control agent is a full time job! I demand that all Control personnel devote themselves to their Control duties 110% of the time. Now just why would Larabee go get a part-time job anyhow?
99:
Well sir, as you will remember you announced wage cuts of 90% for all Control staff.
Chief:
Yes, I did, things are tough. But that doesn’t mean you agents can’t live on the wages you are paid, just cut out non-essentials.
Max:
I see where you’re coming from Chief but with take home of $1.38 a week essentials become pretty non-essential.
Chief:
Max, are you telling me you can’t put anything aside for a rainy day at that wage?
Max, holds thumb and index finger about an inch apart: Missed it by that much Chief. 99:
Here comes Larabee now.
Larabee comes on stage, yawning Larabee:
I am some wasted!
Max:
Mold off the cumquats?
Larabee:
No. Wasted. Like tired.
Max:
Gotcha Larabee, that was gonna be my second choice!
99:
Tell me Chief, what brings you here today.
Chief:
Matters of the most extreme confidentiality! And that calls for the Cone of Silence!
99:
It’s now the Cup of Silence Chief.
Larabee, Max and 99 put paper cups on their heads held in place by elastic bands, hand one to Chief Chief:
What’s this, where is the Cone of Silence?
Max:
Had to sell the Cone of Silence to pay for our phone repairs Chief. My shoe needed a new sole, big hole in it.
Chief:
You agents of today! Just don’t know what making do is all about do you? I remember back when I was a young agent.
99:
What was your agent number Chief?
Chief:
Number? I will have you know we had no numbers back then, couldn’t afford them is what! And we didn’t have those fancy dial shoe phones either! Issue 844BD8 was all we ever had back in my day! Worked just fine!
Max:
Issue 844BD6?
Chief, falls to his knees: Everyone, hit the ground! Max:
What’s wrong Chief?
Chief:
What’s wrong you ask? You were the one that called out Issue 844BD6!
Max:
But I was just repeating what you said Chief.
Chief:
What I said was Issue 844BD8, the old reliable Bubble Blower Communicator. Issue 844BD6 is the Tea Towel Grenade Launcher.
Max:
Just as I suspected, the old Tea Towel Grenade Launcher!
Chief:
Why are you sitting here wearing a baseball glove 86?
Max:
Cut my finger Chief.
Chief:
Really Max, you should know that’s what Issue 438DX9 is for.
Larabee:
Sorry Chief, we couldn’t pay the band-aid supplier and he refused to deliver another truckload until he was paid.
Chief:
Can anyone give me one good reason why we go through so many bandaids?
Larabee & 99 together: Max. Chief:
Oh right, 86 is accident prone isn’t he?
99:
County Hospital has his information on speed look-up so they can wave him right through the emergency line.
Chief:
Let’s have a look at that wound Max.
Max removes glove 99:
Oh poor Maxie Waxie, let Agent 99 kiss it all better, poor baby.
99 kisses Max’s finger, Chief takes Max’s hand Chief:
What’s all this about, there isn’t so much as a scratch there Max! It didn’t even break the flesh.
Max, 99 & Larabee together, hold thumb and index finger about an inch apart: Missed it by that much Chief! Chief:
Look, enough of this, we have serious, urgent matters of the most sensitive nature to discuss.
99:
Better put on your Issue 928HR2 Chief.
Chief, puts paper cup on his head: Fine, but I want you to know I feel foolish with a paper cup on my head! I might just go buy it back. Who did you sell it to Max? Max:
Sold it to KAOS, Chief.
Chief, furious: I beg your pardon Agent 86! You are telling me you sold our secret antisurveillance weapon to the enemy? 99:
Think about it Chief, with us people at Control not using the Cone of Silence there is no one for KAOS to monitor, Max’s plan to sell unused
equipment to the enemy was a bold, decisive move of daring and brilliance. (Takes Max’s face in her hands, puckers her lips, as though to kiss Max) Besides, Max is just so very cute! Chief:
Fine 99, but Max, next time before you dispose of our sensitive equipment you walk it by me first.
Max:
Can’t see how I could do that Chief.
Chief:
And why is that Max, may I remind you I am in charge here at Control.
Max:
Oh I understand that Chief, it’s just that the Cone of Silence was huge and heavy and . . .
Larabee, 99 & Chief, together: . . . . . . . and it was too big to walk with. Chief:
Yes, well anyway, what I need to update you on, there is a new initiative on stream, Project 558VV6 . . .
Max:
Ah ha! Just as I thought! Upgrade the foam enabler on the cappuccino machines in the cafeteria.
99:
That was Project 957XR2 Max.
Max:
Oh, right, gotcha! Soap scum descrambler in the men’s washroom?
Larabee:
That was Project 158BR8 Max.
Max:
I knew that! Then would you believe . . . .
Chief:
Enough of this Max, now then, this is urgent! You are sure these Cones of Silence . . .
Max, Larabee & 99, together: Cups of Silence. Chief:
Whatever! But you are sure our conversations are secure.
Max:
Safe as in a teacup Chief! (Max gets shocked look, looks toward Chief’s head, takes his handkerchief and wipes Chief’s scalp) Oooops, sorry about that Chief!
Larabee:
What happened Max?
Max:
See I was drinking coffee from Chief’s Cup of Silence and I guess I didn’t properly drain it before giving it to the Chief.
Chief:
Will all of you listen up? Now then, word from the top. Our leader says that if we are with him it means being with him 110% and carrying the full load. Says it’s not just his burden to bear, it belongs to all of us. Says when he comes back he expects to see where that extra effort has been applied, and he will reward us based on what he sees.
Larabee:
Well, I respect what you are saying Chief, and for sure I won’t ever go against the leader, but what say we just strap on the badge rather than bear the burden? I mean like everyone is gonna still see we are part of Control.
99:
Well I can agree that a badge is easier than a burden Larabee . . .
Larabee:
Very much easier 99.
99:
And a badge would likely go great with this knockout new Control T-shirt I just bought.
Max:
How did you manage to scrounge up money for a new Control T-shirt 99?
99:
Sold off our 2584PD8 heat-sensing floor mops.
Larabee:
So we are all on the same page as far as carrying badges rather than burdens then?
Max:
Well, my take is that badges would be OK but that’s just not the commitment our leader expects. Me, I say go all the way, same as our leader would do.
99:
I am with Max! Besides, Max is real cute.
Chief:
So we are all on the same page here then, carry our burden?
all:
Sure are, Chief! Right on! We are with you Chief!
Siegfried walks backwards on to stage, speaking as he walks Siegfried:
Egats ffo teg syug uoy!
Chief:
What is he saying Max?
99:
To bad we traded our Issue 1587BL0 Unintelligible Mumbo-Jumbo Decoder for the all you can eat salad bar at MegaCarbs Food Emporium!
Max:
No need for the Issue 1587BL0 Unintelligible Mumbo-Jumbo Decoder when Maxwell Smart is on the job! Let’s see here, “Egats ffo teg syug uoy.” Pretty simple you ask me.
Chief:
You have Siegfried’s statement decoded Max?
Max:
Piece of cake Chief! See before I sold the Cone of Silence to KAOS I reversed the program.
Larabee:
Which would account for Siegfried walking backwards.
99:
But what about , “Egats ffo teg syug uoy”? What does that mean?
Max:
Think it through 99! Siegfried was speaking backwards, and what he was saying was, “Time you guys get off stage”. Just another case which proves the rare brilliance of Maxwell Smart, Control Agent Extraordinaire!
Siegfried:
Hcum taht yb ti dessim!
Chief:
Meaning . . .
99, Larabee, Chief, together, hold thumb and index finger about an inch apart: Missed it by that much! Max: all off stage
Sorry about that Chief!
