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Methods for Soliciting and Being Truly Open to Feedback From Others Facilitated by: Jennifer Wilson and Tamera Loerzel J...

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Methods for Soliciting and Being Truly Open to Feedback From Others Facilitated by: Jennifer Wilson and Tamera Loerzel June 30, 2016 www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Poll #1 • Please share your role with the firm (pick only one): – – – – –

Partner Principal Senior Manager Administrator (HR, Marketing, Finance, IT, etc.) Other (please specify)

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Agenda • In this session, we’ll explore: – Outmoded ways of thinking that create fears around feedback – Ideas for shifting your mindset about feedback – Ways to solicit honest, constructive feedback on your performance and the things you manage – Verbal and non-verbal do’s and don’ts when receiving feedback – Ways for handling feedback that you don’t necessarily agree with – What to do with feedback to ensure that improvement occurs and the other party feels heard

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Poll #2 • Which one do you feel is the most important reason YOU should be open to receiving feedback? – – – –

So that I can keep growing and getting better So that our firm can keep evolving and improving So that our staff can feel that they have been heard Because our competitors want our people and will probably listen to them – Because what good is giving feedback if no one will receive it? – Other (please specify in Q&A) www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Embracing Feedback… • Enables your get-better culture • Models expected behavior – why should I accept feedback from you if you don’t seem open to it from me? (remember Feedback Quid Pro Quo?) • Drives improvement in your personal performance • Uncovers potential problems before they escalate – If your CLIENTS or PEOPLE want change, giving them the voice and space to say so increases your chance of being able to address it before they choose another place to work – If your SUPERIORS or PEERS want change, being open to making it will enable you to meet performance expectations and avoid surprises at promotion or compensation time www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Why Aren’t We Open? • We know we should be open to receiving feedback • But most of us would rather not hear it – unless it’s good, of course! • What are we afraid of?

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Old Ways Of Thinking About Feedback • When I get feedback about things I need to improve, it puts a “ding” on my record and will impact me adversely – When I don’t hear the feedback and then don’t get the raise or promotion or bonus I was anticipating, it’s worse. At least with the feedback I have the potential to do something about it.

• I have gotten this far, why do I need feedback? – This sets you up for the Emperor Has No Clothes syndrome

• The reason I wanted to become a partner was so I didn’t have to work for (or get feedback from) anyone – So partners are “above” feedback? Feels hypocritical or egotistical

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Old Ways Of Thinking About Feedback • I am pretty set in my ways and probably unlikely to change, so why bother with the feedback? – Being very experienced doesn’t let you off the hook for getting better and no one is too established to change

• When you get to my level, you can have input to these types of things, until then, focus on your own work – But I see so much that we need to change. Don’t you care? Maybe I should work someplace where they want my ideas?

• I get feedback at certain times of the year – Continuous feedback is better, because it reinforces positive contributions and allows us to address areas for improvement immediately www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Poll #3 • Which one option best describes your personal resistance to improvement feedback? – I know I have a lot of areas for improvement and don’t need to be reminded of them – I don’t want to have to address the feedback or change – I don’t think we should focus on weaknesses, I’d rather have us focus on our strengths – I’m not sure the people delivering feedback have the competencies to have earned the right to give me feedback at my level – It makes me feel like a loser! – I already beat myself up and fixate on any negative feedback I receive – it’s draining! – Other (please specify) www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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If you don’t hear the feedback, it doesn’t mean it isn’t there, lurking and being triangulated about. Which would you rather have – the back-channel discussion of or the direct feedback on your areas for improvement? www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Establishing An Open Mindset

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To be truly open to feedback… …you’ll have to take 100% responsibility for what you could do differently and you have to give up making the other party (or parties) wrong!

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It Starts With Interpretations • Upward feedback shows that you are not delivering timely evaluations of others and you are not seen as approachable by the staff – Let’s look for ways to be 100% responsible and to AVOID making the other party wrong – We’ll do so by playing the interpretations game

• What are ugly interpretations we could generate about this feedback? • What are some hopeful interpretations? www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Ugly/Hopeful • Ugly: – – – – –

Staff are trying to make me look bad They don’t like me because I am tougher on them than others Staff are too timid, sensitive or want to be coddled No one does their evaluations on time, what does it matter if I don’t? Who has time for feedback? The timing and number of reviews is impractical

• Hopeful: – I have been really busy and preoccupied lately, maybe I am projecting the aura of being unapproachable – I could take steps to be warmer and build more rapport with staff, so they’d have more confidence when approaching me with questions or requests www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Ugly/Hopeful • Hopeful (continued): – I could get the results and people would progress as we need them to if I provide timely feedback – I may not be valuing the feedback the same way the recipients do – It is positive that my team members want my feedback – What could I prioritize as less important so that I can prioritize engagement feedback as more important? – As far as feedback goes, this is pretty minimal and both items are things I can strive to change

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You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of. -Jim Rohn www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Ways To Solicit Honest, Constructive Feedback

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Three Types Of Feedback • Acknowledgement/appreciation • Coaching and/or development • Performance evaluation According to Thanks for the Feedback by Heen and Stone

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Remember Keep, Stop, Start? • This method applies really well to inviting feedback • Prior to the meeting, ask those you are asking for feedback to consider: – What is working in my performance that I should keep doing? (things you’re doing well or that are of great value) – What isn’t working in my performance that I should stop doing? (things that aren’t working or things you need to give up, delegate or relinquish) – What should I start doing that I am not yet doing? (things that will benefit you, our team or the firm if I were to start doing it going forward) www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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KSS Works Great For All Kind Of Feedback • What is working well with CLIENT ABC that we should keep doing? • What went well with our implementation of XCM that we should keep doing in future implementations? • What is NOT working well with CLIENT ABC that we should stop doing? • What did not work well in our implementation of XCM that we should stop doing in future implementations? www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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KSS Works Great For All Kind Of Feedback • What should we start doing with CLIENT ABC that would enhance our relationship or performance? • What should we be sure to start doing in future implementations like XCM?

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Poll #4 • Which one statement best characterizes where you are in using Keep, Stop, Start? – I learned it at the November partner retreat and have been using it in various ways since – I first learned it at the May 24 training and have used it at least once since them – I learned it at a prior meeting but haven’t used it yet – I do not remember learning it before today but will now practice using it for both giving and receiving feedback – Other, please specify in the Q&A www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Other Feedback Questions You Can Ask • How am I (or are we) doing in meeting your expectations? • What do you view as my greatest strengths or gifts? How do you feel I can better capitalize on them in my work? • What do you see as my most significant shortcomings or weaknesses? How do you feel that I can improve in these areas or mitigate their impact on my future? www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Other Feedback Questions You Can Ask • Where would you like me to focus in the year to come? • What do you see as my career or growth opportunities? • What can I/we do to improve your experience? • What more can I/we do to support you?

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Verbal and Non-Verbal Do’s and Don’ts When Receiving Feedback

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Hurry up

Really?

I can’t hear this right now This is upsetting

I’m not open to what you’re saying

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This is so surprising

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Body Language Don’ts and Do’s • Touch your face – you seem nervous, anxious or stressed • Cross your arms – you seem closed off, guarded or cold • Goof around with things in front of you – your pen, your phone, things on the desk or table – you seem nervous, distracted, not paying attention – Arms uncrossed, hands relaxed and in your lap, by your side or poised to write notes

• Hunch – you seem tired, worn down, or about to pounce – Shoulders relaxed and down, back straight

• Lean back or away – you seem like you’re trying to be “apart” from the discussion or too laid back from it – Lean in to the discussion, but not too much or you’ll seem like you’re trying to intimidate or invading the person’s space

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Body Language Don’ts And Do’s • Put your eyebrows too high up or down – you seem surprised or grouchy • Avoid eye contact – you seem nervous, guilty or a little strange – Give all parties in the room eye contact but don’t stare

• Purse your lips or frown – you seem grouchy or angry – Relax your face, eyebrows relaxed to up, a slight smile is a good idea

• Shake your head in disagreement or disbelief – Instead, nod your head as encouragement – but not too much

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Verbal Don’ts and Do’s • Play “yes but” – you seem dismissive or defensive – Thank the person for their feedback – Seek to understand

• Cut the person off assuming you know what’s coming next – allow the person to complete their thought before interjecting • Leave without understanding – ask clarifying questions and request examples but don’t cross examine!

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Poll #5 • Which one of these non-verbal or verbal mistakes are you most guilty of when receiving feedback? – Cross-examining the feedback giver – Crossing my arms and sitting back, giving a “prove it” or “I don’t like this” vibe – Interrupting the feedback giver – Fidgeting while getting feedback – Giving excuses or rationale for the feedback I received – Arguing with the feedback giver – Other, please specify in Q&A www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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TRULY Accepting Feedback

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Accepting Feedback Gracefully • Clarify the feedback you’re receiving – paraphrase and echo back to be sure you’re getting it • If you don’t like the feedback, ask the giver to clarify by saying, “Say more about that” or “Tell me more on that point” • Use “I see,” “I understand,” and “I can appreciate that” to show you’re tracking without necessarily agreeing with the other party • Don’t make the other party wrong – they are entitled to their viewpoint • Look for ways you can change your behavior, actions or the situation itself – If there is a valid misunderstanding, provide additional information www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Accepting Feedback Gracefully • Acknowledge mistakes and shortcomings • Apologize when appropriate • Ask for input on ways you might approach change or, if applicable, make repairs – Generate your own ideas and validate they will work for your feedback giver

• • • •

Make a statement of commitment Follow through with new actions, behaviors Return and report progress to the feedback giver Welcome additional/ongoing feedback

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When An Apology Is Due • Sometimes you need to ask for forgiveness • Randy Pausch suggests in his book The Last Lecture, there are three parts to an apology: – I’m sorry for [the issue] – A statement of commitment

– Find out what you can do to make it better

• Then do what you say you’re going to do and check in – Again, it may take time for the other person to believe in the change – Take responsibility for their experience and be patient

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Next Steps

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Poll #6 •

What one thing will you commit to do coming out of today’s session on receiving feedback? – – – – – –

I will work on my non-verbal response to feedback, which is definitely not sending the right message I will ask at least one person for Keep, Stop, Start feedback on me and my performance I will go back and apologize to someone for not receiving their feedback well in the past I will take responsibility for some feedback I’ve recently received and focus on how I can improve I will quit making people “prove it” with their feedback and realize that perception matters Other, please specify in Q&A

• Share it with someone on your team who can help hold you accountable www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Thank You! • Contact us at any time and connect with us, too: Jennifer Wilson (402) 933-2900 [email protected] http://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferwilsonprofile http://twitter.com/JenLeeWilson Tamera Loerzel (952) 226-1780 [email protected] http://www.linkedin.com/in/tameraloerzel http://twitter.com/tameraloerzel www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Tools And Resources

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ConvergenceCoaching Resources • ConvergenceCoaching’s web site includes information at: – www.convergencecoaching.com

• Read our Coaching Concepts newsletter: – http://www.convergencecoaching.com/coachingconcepts/

• Visit our blog for posts on these topics: – www.convergencecoaching.com/blog

• Visit our learning center for access to additional courses and our Leadership and Communication, HR, Marketing and Sales Toolsets: – http://www.convergencelearning.com

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ConvergenceCoaching Resources • Visit us on Facebook: – http://www.facebook.com/convergencecoaching

• Visit us on LinkedIn: – https://www.linkedin.com/company/convergencecoaching-llc

• Visit us on Google+: – https://plus.google.com/+Convergencecoaching

• Visit us on Instagram: – https://www.instagram.com/convergencecoaching/

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Transformational Leadership Program • The TLP Session One runs from June 1 to May 31 and Session Two runs from September 16 to September 15 each year • Each Session’s class size is limited to 25 participants. Over the twelvemonth period, participants experience: – – – –

In-depth self-assessments Two in-person workshops Online, self-study and instructor-led web seminars Tailored one-on-one coaching sessions for them and their in-firm coach

– A difference making firm project of their choice

• The fee for your managers and newer partners to honestly identify their strengths and develop strategies and skills to drive performance improvements as they prepare to take on meaningful roles in leading and managing your firm is $5,250 www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Conflict Management Resources • “Are You Guilty of Triangulating on the Job?” by Jennifer Wilson – http://www.cpa2biz.com/Content/media/PRODUCER_CONTENT/New sletters/Articles_2011/CPA/Jul/TriangulatingOnJob.jsp

• “Another Possible View,” by Tamera Loerzel – http://www.convergencecoaching.com/another-possible-view/

• “Conducting Performance Feedback” by Jennifer Wilson – http://www.cpa2biz.com/Content/media/PRODUCER_CONTENT/New sletters/Articles_2011/CorpFin/Conducting_Performance_Feedback.js p

• Conflict Management – http://www.ctic.purdue.edu/media/files/Managing%20Conflict.pdf

• Conflict Resolution Network – www.crnhq.org www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Conflict Management Resources • “Creating Straight Lines out of Triangles” by Renee Moelders – http://www.convergencecoaching.com/creating-straight-lines-out-oftriangles/

• Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler, and Covey • Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher • “The Gift of Truth,” by Tamera Loerzel – http://www.convergencecoaching.com/the-gift-of-truth/

• The Heart of a Leader by Ken Blanchard (1999) • Management by Kathryn M. Bartol and David C. Martin • Mediation Works Free Conflict Resources – http://www.mediationworks.com/free.htm www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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Conflict Management Resources • Primal Leadership by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, & Annie McKee • Straight Talk Your Way To Success E-Book – www.convergencelearning .com

• Ten Tips for Managing Conflict, Tension and Anger by Claire Albright – http://mentalhealth.about.com/cs/selfhelp/a/tentips.htm

• “We’re All Selfish – Why Hide It?” by Jennifer Wilson – http://www.convergencecoaching.com/we-are-all-selfish-why-hide-it/

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HR Feedback Resources • “Are You Ignoring Spinach In Someone’s Teeth?” by Jennifer Wilson – http://www.convergencecoaching.com/are-you-ignoring-spinach-insomeones-teeth

• Breakthrough Teams for Breakneck Times by Lisa Gundry and Laurie LaMantia • Change Your Questions, Change Your Life by Marilee G. Adams • Extraordinary Relationships - A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions by Roberta M. Gilbert, M.D. • Feedback Toolkit: 16 Tools to Better Communication by Rick Maurer www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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HR Feedback Resources • The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Pat Lencioni • “How to Better Elicit Upward Feedback” by Brianna Marth – http://www.convergencecoaching.com/how-to-better-elicit-upwardfeedback/

• “Let’s Stop Paying Lip Service to People Development” by Jennifer Wilson – http://www.convergencecoaching.com/lets-stop-paying-lip-service-to-peopledevelopment/

• Love ‘Em or Lose ‘Em by Beverly Kaye and Sharon JordanEvans • “People Development: More Important Than Business Development” by Jack Lee – http://www.convergencecoaching.com/people-development-moreimportant-than-business-development/ www.convergencecoaching.com ©Copyright 2000-2016 ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.

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HR Feedback Resources • Practice What You Preach by David Maister • Thanks for the Feedback: the Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well by Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone • “To Get Better, Coach and Be Coached” by Jack Lee – http://www.convergencecoaching.com/to-get-better-coach-and-be-coached/

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